


Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 485

by crazyoldhermit



Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit [27]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2016-05-02
Packaged: 2018-06-06 01:14:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6731854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyoldhermit/pseuds/crazyoldhermit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When we last left our hero the hermit, Obi-Wan had managed to avoid Vinto Tox for four days. His luck ran out when he was forced into a showdown in the Jundland Wastes, which ended in shocking results.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 485

TATOOINE - Day 485:

I woke up to the familiar feel of the cave's floor pushing up against my aching bones. I had been drained of my Force powers yet again, but somehow this time felt different because I had enough strength to sit up immediately. 

This crap had to end. I made a promise to myself that I would never let Vinto Tox steal my Force essence again. 

I saw Mace spinning in the gravity force field, getting his turn at being drained. I thought about standing up and walking straight out of here, leaving Mace behind. After all, it was that spineless ball sack that led Vinto Tox right to me. 

As I stood, I took note that Tox was nowhere to be seen. I grabbed my lightsaber, as well as Anakin's, from their hooks on the wall. I did not presently possess my Force powers, but I felt strong enough to swing my saber and decapitate Tox's green ugly head from his green ugly body. 

I made a decision, one that I hoped wouldn't come back to bite me in the ass. Instead of leaving the cave, I decided to venture farther in to it. The first thing I did was to drive my lightsaber's blade through the machine that was stealing Mace's Force essence, hoping it was Tox's only model. Then I made my way down a dark path I hadn’t been before, using my saber as a light source. 

After a few narrow twists and turns I came to a metallic door. Taking a page from Qui-Gon's book of kicking ass, I plunged my saber into the barrier. I felt a great sense of satisfaction as the metal glowed orange and began to melt. I slowly carved myself out a circle, while continually checking over my shoulder for Tox. 

I entered a long room which had an overhead light source, and was shocked to discover hundreds of Force essence vials filling the shelves. What was even more devastating were the names on the vials, besides myself and Mace, there was Kit Fisto, Plo Kloon, Ki-Di-Mundi, Ahsoka Tano and Yaddle. How was this possible? How could Vinto Tox abduct half of the Jedi Council and steal their Force essence without anyone knowing?

In the back of the room was the dark side section. I came across the names Count Dooku and Darth...

Suddenly, there was a thunderous scream coming from down the corridor, "KENOBI!"

The lights flickered and went out as I heard large objects being tossed against the cave's wall. In the dark I reached out and grabbed a vial, just in case. 

Then there was silence. I used the light from my saber to find my way back to Mace, who lay in a fetal position on the floor and in the dark. Just as I bent down to see if he was alive I was Force pushed against the wall and held there. 

"You dick!" I heard a voice say. 

"Excuse me?" I replied, feeling quite cocky. I had dropped both sabers, but managed to hold on to the vial. 

The saber which had once belonged to Mace Windu now illuminated Vinto Tox's face. The purple blade along with Tox's green Rodian skin gave his face a blackish shiny hue. "You've destroyed my machine, Kenobi! The only one of its kind."

"Oh, that's terrible news," I scoffed. "Maybe you can get it repaired."

"Very funny, you Jedi douche." Tox was not amused. "No one can fix this. The Hutt who I stole it from on Coruscant said it was ancient Sith technology. Now that Hutt is dead, just like this machine, and just like you and your friend will be in a minute."

Vinto Tox dropped me to the ground and refocused his attention on Mace. As he lifted him, I took the opportunity to break the vial on the ground and quickly snorted the Force essence that had spilled out. 

Just then the backup generator kicked in and the lights were restored. That's when I noticed the name on the vial, it read DARTH MAUL. 

"Oh crap," I heard myself say out loud. 

The irony of having the Force essence of the Sith who killed my Master, and who I then cut in half was not lost on me. In fact, thinking about it made me overwhelmingly angry. I felt my fists and teeth clench as my body began to shake. I was going to rip apart Vinto Tox and Mace Windu. They were utterly useless, and they deserved to die. 

I realized that the dark side was coursing through my body. Maul, you magnificent bastard, you're going to help me defeat this Rodian once and for all. 

I stood up, and said in a deep commanding voice, "TOX!"

Tox dropped Mace immediately.

"What the hell, Kenobi?" Mace asked. "What'd you go and do now? Your eyes are orange."

"So they are." Vinto Tox attempted a smile. 

"Tox," I continued, "at an end, your reign of terror is. And none too soon, I might add."

I pulled my saber from off the ground and began Force choking Tox. As I squeezed the life out of him, he struggled to open a vial. Once he got the cap off, he rubbed its contents on his antennas. Shaking for only a moment, Tox lifted his hand and began Force choking me back. 

We stood there for some time, deadlocked, Force choking the crap out of each other. 

In the interim, Mace had grabbed Anakin's saber and slowly crawled toward Tox, toward his Master. 

Beginning to feel lightheaded as my voice box was slowly being crushed, I managed to squeak out, "Mace...help..."

Tox struggled to speak as well, "He's...my...servant..."

That was it, I had enough of this bantha poodoo. I broke off my Force choke of Tox and used both hands to concentrate on the rocky ceiling above his head. The cave began to shake violently. Finally a large crack was heard and dozens of medium sized boulders caved in on Vinto Tox. 

Taking Mace by the ankle I dragged him towards the exit of the cave, all the while I used the strength of Darth Maul to bring the cave crashing in on itself. 

I don't know if it was the loss of his Master, or the loss of his trademark purple lightsaber, but Mace began to cry like a youngling being sliced up by Darth Vader. "No!" he whimpered over and over, as I weaved us through the falling debris. 

When we finally made it outside, I left Mace on the ground and returned to the entrance of the cave. I lifted both arms high into the air and gathered up the last of the dark side power which flowed within me. When I felt I had a solid grip on the mountain's innards, I threw my hands down, forcing what was left of the cave to be crushed from above. 

Dust and debris flew out of the cave's entrance, causing me to jump to the side in order to avoid the shards of rock. My Force powers had been tapped out, and I would need a few days to replenish my strength. 

Vinto Tox's cave of terror was now his tomb. The "Jedi Vampire" was no more. 

Fuck him.


End file.
